I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
