so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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