party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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