The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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