i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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