Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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