great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Pants are for mortals
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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