Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
