Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
