Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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