I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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