highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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