I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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