I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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