I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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