I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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