Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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