There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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