I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
