Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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