just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
