i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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