Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
