i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
