my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
