i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
