There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
