don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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