I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize