I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
