all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
