I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You can't motorboat a personality
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
