I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize