I want you more than these girls want KFC
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize