I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
