i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
