my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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