Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
