...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
