I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize