the condom got lost in my hair
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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