i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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