If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
