I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
