just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
