i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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