I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
