College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
