I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
