it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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