how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
