Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
