I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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