i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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