I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
