And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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