I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
