people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
