Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just invented taco cereal.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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