Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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