sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
