You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
