I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
