dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
